Father Of The Blog

A Journey Through Fatherhood and Parenting

Father of the Blog

Miscarriage – Complete Clinical Spontaneous Abortion

Unsubscribing from a Miscarriage

Babycenter.com is a great site. Good articles, good community, good tools, loads of goodies for new and expecting parents. I used to frequent the site quite a bit as a parenting newb and when the current forums were old fashion bulletin boards I started my journal which eventually transformed into this blog. Even though I rarely lurk there anymore, I mention BabyCenter because for the past few months I have been receiving depressing emails from the site which I am having difficulty unsubscribing from. It is not a technical problem getting the emails to stop from being sent to me, sort of a user error, let me explain.

When Kim was pregnant with Olivia, which was nine years ago, a co-worker first told me about BabyCenter. Originally what attracted me and glued me to the site was the automated weekly newsletter/updates that came via email. It was great for tracking the developmental stages of all my babies and throughout the past almost decade, I  have updated my personal information adding each child to my account. I still receive weekly email articles regarding the progress of all my children. I receive one for an eight year old, one for a seven year old, one for a three and three quarter year old, one for a one and three quarter year old, sadly I receive updates for twenty week old in-utero. Sad because our fifth child never mad it past week eight.

Flashback: Only a few knew about #5, my mom was one person who knew. She took the secret to her grave and it suffocates my conscience. Excitedly I told my mom about the pregnancy, unfortunately a week later Kim miscarried. I couldn’t bear telling my mom about it and then shortly after the miscarriage it was too late to say anything.

It went like this; My mom was very sick when I told her about #5, cancer was spreading throughout her body and she was spending twenty three hours a day confined to bed. “Mom, I have something to tell you,” whispering so my sibs would not overhear. “Kim is pregnant again.”
“What!?” shocked out of her morphine stupor.
“Please don’t tell anyone yet it’s still very early.”
With her sense of humor still intact she replied, “Why would I tell anyone how stupid my son is?” Although I’m not completely sure she was joking.

That was the last real bit of conversation my mother and I had. A week after that exchange of words, I didn’t have the courage to divulge the truth and like a child that hides mistakes and misfortunes from their parents I couldn’t tell her about the miscarriage. Within a few days her conciseness had evaporated and a couple days after that she died.

Flashing-back even further: Kim sobbed holding the positive EPT stick. At that moment she didn’t want a fifth child. Unplanned and surprised about the pregnancy, she cried a lot. Conversely I was excited. Four girls, a wife, even a female dog, I was sure #5 was my boy, but I concealed my exuberance and let her use me as a punching bag, after all, it was completely “muyyyy fault.”

Over the next few days Kim’s mood was gloomy and to make things worse she knew I was happy and sanguine about it. Attempting to put an enthusiastic spin on the situation, I mentioned all the joys and love new babies inject into the family. New life, new personality, new sounds, new sibling dynamic, new responsibilities. Being that Sophie was only sixteen months old at the time, fresh Kim’s memory was, she responded with; new baby equates to, no sleep, no breaks, no money, no quiet, no sanity. “All of that is only temporary,” was my reply.

Three weeks after the positive EPT and a few days before Kim’s eight-week ultrasound she started bleeding. “Normal spotting” is what I told her and what I prayed for, however spotting was abnormal for her pregnancy history, I was secretly worried. Two days before her exam and scan she had a “complete clinical spontaneous abortion” which is how her doctor described it. I didn’t need a fancy term to make the memory of blood stained sheets and a blank ultrasound monitor more empathetic, I was crushed and Kim was saddened, tears tracked down her cheeks as the diagnostic technician departed the exam room allowing us a “few extra minutes.” Kim was, “getting used to the idea of #5.” On the car ride home I suggested we could actually try again for a fifth child, Kim said that I was crazy and with that, was the end of my dream for five.

Three months later:  Kim had it right. I am crazy. My mom had it right. I am stupid. Not in the context of wishing for another child but for the painful emotional hoarding. Why can’t I just log into BabyCenter and edit my account, removing the fifth child, so that the depressing weekly email reminders of what could have been finally cease? Letting go is not easy.

Be Sociable, Share!

10 Responses to “Miscarriage – Complete Clinical Spontaneous Abortion”

  1. January 11th, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Stacie @ The Divine Miss Mommy says:

    Oh no, Hocky. I am so sorry. :(

  2. November 21st, 2013 at 5:41 am

    dogsIdogs suppliesIdog equipmentIdog foodIdog leadsIdog can foodIdog supplies onlineIpetsIpet foodI pet supplies says:

    Awesome issues here. I am very happy to peer your article. Thanks so much and I am taking a look ahead to contact you. Will you please drop me a mail?

  3. November 23rd, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    品質合格 クラッチバッグ アウトレット says:

    Heya i’m for the first time here. I came across this board and I
    find It really useful & it helped me out a lot. I hope to give something back and help
    others like you aided me.

    Feel free to visit my web page; 品質合格 クラッチバッグ アウトレット

  4. September 3rd, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    spanish fly says:

    Very good post. I’m dealing with a few of these issues as well..

  5. September 3rd, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    network marketing business says:

    Very great post. I simply stumbled upon your blog and wanted to
    say that I’ve really loved surfing around your blog posts.
    In any case I’ll be subscribing in your feed and I’m hoping you
    write again soon!

  6. December 7th, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    Riley says:

    Appreciation to my father who shared with me about this webpage, this blog is genuinely

    site (Riley)

  7. April 26th, 2016 at 6:05 am

    nba 2k16 mt sites says:

    Great looking internet site. Assume you did a bunch of your own html coding.|

  8. April 26th, 2017 at 11:14 am

    example says:

    This piece of writing offers clear idea in favor of
    the new viewers of blogging, that really how to do blogging and

  9. September 20th, 2017 at 11:10 am

    canadian pharmacy says:

    General Low-down About this product

  10. March 8th, 2019 at 11:25 am

    Leroy says:

    That little bit of information alone significantly decreased the return on Ron’s prospective investment.
    The benefits stemming from joining a franchise are many: affiliation having a larger
    organization; greater market power from your recognized trademark; cooperative advertising and marketing.
    The debt and interest is piling for the city along with the investors are simply not prepared to be among the
    victims with the worst ever property crises of Middle East.

    My blog b, Leroy,

Leave a Reply